Disappointments

This whole week in Atlanta has been one long slog fest. It has rained every day. Most days, several times. And heavy. The air is heavy, it is sweaty, the weeds are everywhere. 4th of July was rainy. We spent it watching TV and flopping around. Well, Cole did work but other than that and a good 2 mile run on my part, we flopped. Matthew got home at noon Wednesday due to the rain, he didn't work Friday due to the rain and currently, he is trying to work, due to the rain.
I have cut the front 1/3 of the yard but not weedeated, due to the rain. And it is raining again.
Disappointing.

This morning, I went to the farmer's market for Mother's milk and vegetables and although I collected everything I went for except for the candles from the honey man, I came home disappointed.

I went to Weight Watchers and even though I am down 2 pounds for the week, I am disappointed.

Not blue, disappointed.

Which means, at least for me, when I have these long episodes of a feeling or an emotion, that I need to take a look at them and either figure out what is going on or try to move on.

After all, I have had weeks where I didn't go anything social and I was perfectly happy. I actually have Bible study work to do and prepare for my fall teaching assignment. I am on track with my exercise plan and eating, and have much to be proud of and thankful for. There have been times when I have eaten my way through these kinds of spells.
And Lord knows, we have had rainy Julys before. The summer after Matthew was born -- 1994, it rained EVERY SINGLE DAY in July and the first week in August as well. I remember the first day that the sun shone for most of the day. We went to the Brickery to eat dinner with everyone as my dad was home from Scotland for his annual trip. It was August 8. It was the last time I saw my brother Nathan alive. Now that is disappointment.

So, what is up with this disappointment?

In contemplation, I think that the disappointment is really more that I feel like others are disappointed IN ME.
I have had several upsets in my life this past 2 weeks and compounded by the weather and the fact that I feel like I am getting nothing done on my to-do lists this summer, I am coming up full force on how frail, weak and thoughtless I can and often am.

My friend, Stacye, is blogging about Shane Claiborne's New Year's Resolutions. Here they are:

Do for one person what I wish that I could do for everyone, but can’t.
Practice resurrection. Make ugly things beautiful and bring dead things back to life. Paint a new mural in our neighborhood. And make some cool stuff out of trash. Look for God in the unlikely places.
Interrupt death. Do something regularly to interrupt the patterns of violence, bullying, war, capital punishment and other mean and ugly things. Maybe we can see another few states in the US abolish the death penalty in 2013.
Give more money away than I keep. And do it in a way that takes away the power of money and celebrates the power of love.
Write letters and notes to people, letting them know I am thankful for them. Write a note asking for forgiveness from someone I need to ask to forgive me.
Do something really nice – that no one sees or knows about.
Compliment someone I have a hard time complimenting… and mean it.
Pause before every potential crisis and ask: “Will this matter in 5 years?”
Get outdoors often. And enjoy things like fireflies and shooting stars. Take someone to the beach or the mountains for their first time. And regularly get my hands into the garden… so when I type on the computer I can see dirt under my fingernails.
Learn a skill – like welding – and use it for something redemptive, like turning a machine gun into a farm tool.
Rather than emphasizing the best of myself and finding the worst in others – let me work on the worst in myself and look for the best in others.
Be aware – and beware — of blessings. Do something to abstain, fast, or delay gratification. And do something to indulge in a gift of God. Then do something to end inequality and move the world toward God’s dream for every person to have “this day our daily bread”.
Believe in miracles. And live in a way that might necessitate one.


In one of her recent posts, she writes about how on the surface, some of them look easy. But the truth of it is, nothing is easy. And these are great and selfless aspirations. I, on the other hand, have selfish aspirations. Another disappointment.

So many of my goals and desires at this point in my life are me-centered. So many have no greater good associated with it, other than to benefit me and not even mostly my family. Another reason to be disappointed in me.


My Appalachian Adventure. It looks simple -- just walking, albeit a long way and over some rough terrain. But we have given ourselves plenty of time and we are in reasonably good shape, we should be okay, right? Except that the get ready and the clean up, like always, are complicated. And sometimes, like our next trip, apparently, it is not going to be great weather. In fact, and I hesitate to even mention this, is is supposed to rain. A lot. Disappointing.

And really, who benefits from this? Just me and possibly Don. It is a burden on my kids and co-workers, neighbors and friends. It has already cost me a relationship, albeit one that was shaky to begin with. It is expensive. And don't I have a kid in college and one fast approaching? What am I thinking?

You guessed it -- I am thinking I am disappointing.